Help, I’m Going Back to Work After Two Years Away!

It was November 2020 as I stepped into my Manager’s office. My palms were sweating, I was clutching my letter of resignation in my hand. I sat opposite her and as I started to speak, the tears started to flow. I couldn’t believe, that after stepping into this place as a fresh-faced grad, fast forward 15 years and three babies later – that I was intent on closing this chapter of my life.

My health had been the lowest of my whole life in 2020. In May 2020, I reached a point where the simplest tasks such as walking, carrying my baby, dressing myself and having a shower were incredibly difficult. I went through several specialists and a huge array of tests before being loosely diagnosed with an autoimmune condition – Systemic Rheumatoid Arthritis (I had also received Sjorgen’s, Lupus and Chronic Fatigue as interim diagnoses).

I returned to work in August 2020 after my third round of maternity leave. But I was not well. I was on a cocktail of immune suppressant medications, anti-inflammatories, steroids and pain relief which was allowing me to maintain a somewhat ‘normal’ appearance. But the truth is that I was barely hanging on. Even the walk across the oval from the staff carpark was taking it out of me.

After a few months of dragging myself along, I started to experience kidney infection-type symptoms. Several trips to ED and a referral to a urologist were the final straw for me. I had to listen. It was time to give up my employment and focus on getting well again.

I was unprepared for the level of grief that engulfed me when I made the decision to resign. Even though I knew in my heart, it was the right thing, I was so frightened of the unknown. If I wasn’t employed in my community role and could tell people about ‘what I do for a living’ – who was I? Little did I know, this was the beginning of an immense healing journey for me. The next two years saw me exploring deeper parts of myself I’d never known, finding passions I’d never considered and growing and evolving as a human.

Thanks to my incredibly supportive director at the time, in 2020 I was afforded the opportunity to take a two-year absence, with my position being held in case I should be keen to return when I was well again. This is where I find myself now.

Over two years gone, returning to my workplace. Gosh, I am scared.

I am scared because, in some ways, it feels like I am going back. I swore never to go back to the old me, that suppressed her emotions, sought people’s approval above her approval of self, and identified so strongly with the roles in her life that she lost touch with the real her. I associate my workplace with the ‘old me’.

However, I also know there is no way I will go back to this former version of me, no matter where I am. I needed to have the pain of my health scare in order to see the truth of where I was headed. I needed the two years to give me space to explore and reconnect with myself. Now that I have found these other aspects of me, they are not going anywhere.

So with this lens, I see myself as a richer and more expanded version of the old me. And I intend to take her to the workplace and enjoy being back amongst my old colleagues (and some new ones). I will bring my new skills and passion to my role and I will integrate it all to take myself to another level of acceptance. When I look at it from this lens, I am excited about the opportunities that await, and I can’t wait to get started.

Watch this space and wish me well for my April return!

Live, Love & Laugh,

Tash x